Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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