My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
