found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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