Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
