I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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