I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
