i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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