Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize