haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
