it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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