the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
