Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Terrible idea I love it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize