Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
