Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I CAN MOONWALK!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
