fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
