awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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