I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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