So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
