We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
