The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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