i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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