she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
