the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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