I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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