1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
