New low: just hacked my moms facebook
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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