He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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