if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
