Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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