how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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