No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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