so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
