I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
