I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
