Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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