Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
