If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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