Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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