You just made me feel so damn special
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
