his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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