That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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