yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
