I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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