o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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