he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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