im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
