so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
