but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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