If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
