i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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