we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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