I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Randomize
