Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
