Me too!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
