Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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