I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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