My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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