I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
