I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
