Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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