I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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