FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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