Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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