Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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