He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
