I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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