but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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